Tag Archives: holidays

The Moran Elf Project 2012: Watch it, Bucko.

 The little rat bastard is BACK.  Billy Bob Joe…Merry Christmas; come trash my house.

Let’s face it.  He is creepy, snarky and get’s into all my shit.  But he is very loved, intensely anticipated and he is filled with the stuff that makes Moran little-people-memories. So let’s see what the little North pole Juvie has in store for my clan.  Bring it, Elf!

Welcome, Trouble.

Dec 1: Welcome, Trouble.

Those pretzels were for lunches.  Not a good start.  I may send him out to the Jewel to get new snacks ’cause we are not made of money around here, Elf.  Wasteful troll.

Dec 2: State is not for Suckers.  Go Lulu.

Dec 2: State is not for Suckers. Go Lulu.

I was SO pissed off he punched holes in the Cuties with little toothpicks.  Those things are pricey.  I may juice HIM.

Thanks, Billy Bob Joe, for the Mammories.

Thanks, Billy Bob Joe, for the Mammories.

I will make him finish that whole glass.  And if he comes back from his little “check-in visit” from the North Pole tonight and that Oberweiss is not fully consumed, then it will still be waiting for him to finish in the morning.  And the day after that.  And the day after THAT.

Cause Mommy Dearest doesn’t screw around.

pirate1 pirate2 pirate3

Bitch Pirate Barbie strikes again.

apples1I think someone is officially DTF.


Here fishy, fishy, fishy…..



Too much egg nog at the office party, ya little brat?


Jar-head, busted.

repel 3 repel1 repel2

“Creepy Elf boyfriend, I am falling and I can’t get up!”


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One-Armed Wrapping Doesn’t Have To Be Lonely…

I apologize the for low quality of this photo. Perhaps you will forgive me, since I only have ONE WORKING ARM.

I blame Love’s frozen yogurt.  You chilly,swirly bastard.

I was with Cracker yesterday, just leaving an appointment and I saw a sign that had this retro international symbol of awesomeness…

"Open to the public!"

I totally slammed on the breaks and did a U-ey…man, I used to love that stuff!  Where has it been??? The whole Frozen Yogurt Movement!!  It used to be all over the place…wasn’t it?  Am I crazy?  I mean, I think the last time I had one, I was wearing a Bosom Buddies t-shirt.  I kept on telling Cracker it was ice cream, hoping that it wasn’t going to taste like crap.

It was inside of a workout facility for seniors and they were trying to promote the “healthy” vibe in there.   When we walked out, some old lady actually asked Cracker if she just finished working out.  Cracker giggled adorably and said “no”.  And the lady said, in all seriousness, “then you don’t deserve to have that”.  I seriously, seriously almost bitch-slapped her.  Seriously.

So, you remember, you can twist that all up together…two flavors…remember that????  So I got a french vanilla, just for nostalgia-sake, and some sugar free/fat free pepermint.  Holiday party in.my.tummy, ya’ll!

HELLO, SELF, you idiot.  I am allergic to anything NOT PURE.  There is nothing that is pure in a sugar free/fat free yogurt.  Like, what IS IT?  And it kinda tasted like peppermint baby vomit.  But I ate it in defiance.  The whole freaking thing.  I could hear Cracker in the back seat, going “ew” a couple of times, but I think she ate it in defiance, too.  In defiance of what, I am not certain, but has a tenancy to run a little surly.

It took about 30 minutes before I started to feel “THE TWINGE” in my left shoulder.  It can be any joint.  My immune system likes to change it up and leave me guessing.  “THE TWINGE” is quickly followed by the voice in my head saying “Uh oh.  ‘THE TWINGE.’  I will be virtually lame within an hour.”  By the time we finished errands and I am rushing home to teach a lesson, I could barely steer.  On goes the sling.  I really need to bling that thing up.

After dinner, I realize that I have to get my nieces’ gifts in the mail, wrapped, so they can be delivered in time for Christmas.  I annually SUCK at all things having anything to do with Christmas deadlines, but  “As God is my witness…not this year!” she says, holding up a radish to the skies…

Look, she only has one arm, too.

Now, I had my arm in a sling, not because it’s frozen, but because if I move it a cillimeter of a millimeter of an eigth of an inch, shooting daggers of pain whip up my arm, through my shoulder and stab my brain.  So, I just try not to move it.

Thor sweetly offered to help, but he was busy helping Alpha finish the project at the last minute that he had TWO WEEKS TO DO BUT DON’T GET ME STARTED.  Cracker was off somewhere having her Barbie’s kiss and hug ’cause that’s her newest thing and Bambi is running around the house like the quadruped Turkish tribe who walks on all fours.  We are strange, yo.

So I had to wrap all these presents.   Bambi eventually returned to Bipedalism and offered to help.  She actually got really excited and put on Christmas music.  She said, with kind of a maniacal and over-caffeinated look in her eyes, “This is great, you guys, I feel like an only child!!!”  *Sigh*  I love her.

And I was thinking while we were doing it, every crease, every fold, every piece of tape thrown on there and the bow, Lord of the RINGS, the bow…all of it was literally made very slowly, painfully and with a helluva lot of love.  And in the end, with all three of us together, Thor and I agreed on one thing:  a nice wrapping job, done well and with care, is definitely part of the present 😉

And I will NOT be accepting Love’s frozen yogurt gift certs this year, thankyouverymuch.

(And you can only imagine how long it took me to type up this post with only 4 fingers from my right hand.  Love, people; that’s love.)

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Because Everyone Else’s Elf Jumped Off the Shelf…

Meet Billy Bob Joe, the Moran Elf.

Rambunctious, sassy, creative, good in the kitchen, at times aloof and always the first to draw out a giggle, Billy Bob Joe delights our family every morning with another witty hiding place.  Here are some highlights so far in the Moran 2011 Christmas holiday season….

Hurry! Time for WGN Morning News!

Elf jazz. Dig it.

Who Stole the Cookie From the Cookie Jar?

Elves get THIRSTY.

Elfmlette Anyone?


Prince Ken's Utter Devastation...

Come ON dude, what a mess!

Oh, Billy Bob Joe, key parties are soooo 1973.

Movie Night!

Baby, It's cold Inside the fridge, ya freak.

The Games Elves and Barbies Play When The Cat's Away...

Unfortunately, you can't see that Prince Ken has safari hot shorts halfway up his thighs.

Is it WRONG?

The Elf Jar: Dude, that's gotta hurt.

Thank You Billy Bob Joe for all the daily giggles and excitement…

More Elf mischief coming soon…Happy Holidays….

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Twas The Crappiest Day of Christmas.

Yesterday, I think I definitely had one of the more crappy days of the year.  But HEAR YE!  HEAR YE!  A Decree!   I hereby announceth that instead of being all moany and poorme, poorme, life suckity sucks about it, I am going to put a happy lens on the camera…a little fun twist, tinted green and red for the holidays….without further ado, here is the account of my very, merry shitty day yesterday, complete with jazz hands:

1.) Woke up with out the use of my right elbow. The pain was unbearable.  And I loved every minute of it.  Everyone should have an auto immune disease that attacks your joints.  Rheumatoid Arthritis for the house, bartender!

2.)Off to the dentist: OH EM GEE!!! It was so freakin’ fun! The excitement was high from the beginning as I was almost completely out of gas and there is not one mother trucking gas station 50 miles from where I live in Siberia. So I had a veritable BALL driving in the car with the heater off, on a 14 degree day, singing one of my favorite holiday ditties, “Please Santa, Get Me to the Dentist Soon Because I Will Die in the Cold If My Car Breaks Down on Fairfield Rd.” La! La! La!

When I arrived, it was all sunshine and roses, as every dental appointment usually is…I had to wait 30 minutes extra, but that’s ok because I didn’t really have any agenda for the day.

Once I finally got in the chair, the dental hygienist zapped my root nerves with the Invisilign thingy two times! I loved it so much, that she did it again. What a Christmas treat. It was so funny that I cried and I got a charlie horse in my toes from flexing for 60 straight minutes. I was totally bummed that there was an appointment after me because I REALLY wanted to have it done all over again…. *sigh * now, I have to wait 6 more months.

I really had to hurry home and get Cracker off the bus, but before that, I got to sing my “Christmas Santa Don’t Let me Die” song all the way on fumes to the closest gas station, praying that I could still make it home in time to get #3 off of the bus. BTW, the Shell station rocked.  I even got some gasoline on my brand new gloves! Luckily, I will be able to smell that for weeks and weeks.  Who needs perfume?  And isn’t it so awesome when it costs $70 to fill up your car? I love that.

3.) One of the most rewarding parts of my day was dressing up in Alpha’s Lacrosse jersey and going to to mall to stand at a gift wrapping booth to get donations, only to get treated like shit from every third person who walks by…the whole environment was oozing with Christmas spirit.  Who knew that no one would want to be nice and smile?  I was so excited when I finally wrapped one present.  ONE.  Huh.  Well, at least I bought a new outfit for the show, with the last of my cash in my account.  I think it makes me look really superfat, so life is awesome.

4.)  Oops, I forgot to eat today.  Hee Hee!!

5.) So I am really pumped because I get on the highway from the mall to head downtown and I am hoping, well, begging really, to be in Friday traffic for about 4 hours, but I was so bummed, ya’all!  I was only stuck in the car with no food or water and a dead cell phone for only 2.5 stinking hours.  Lame.

6.)  I get to the venue, which I will call, Cabaret Club, to find out I have only a reservation for 2 and need to cancel for the first time EVER.  WHAT????? WOOT!!!  WOOT!! WOOT!!  Hee Haw and Merry Christmas, I must be dreaming!  All this hard work really didn’t pay off, thank you Jesus.  Who would have thought, that the same show last year, which was a massive failure because it sold out  in less than a week, only to annoyingly add a repeat performance?  Glad THAT didn’t happen again this year!  Phew!  For me, ya’ll, the best part was that I still have to pay everyone.  That’s right, I had to PAY money to NOT do my show.  Schwing!

7.)  I felt like I won the lotto when I went to feed my meter after tech and found a parking ticket on my car for $75.  Just wake me from the dream.

8.)  I know I wasn’t going to be negative but the only really horrible thing that happened is that some girl found my discarded credit card near my car…she actually had the nerve to go home and Google my name, find out that I was, um, “performing” at Cabaret Club that night and called to say she was coming to bring it to me.  What a horrible person.  Karma is a bitch, lady.

OK…Truth?  For reals?   The best part of my night was the support of my pals,  BassMan, PianoMan and DrummerSub, my lighting/sound buddy TechFro, all the staff at Cabaret Club and Credit Card Angel.  And what really pulled me out of the muck was listening to some lovely music made my some really special pals.  Thank you.

Let’s do this again, bitches!  Tonight, take 2.  Heidey Ho and Merrrrryyyyy Christmassssss!!!!

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