I was inspired today by a new blog a friend turned me onto…called Momastary…check her out, she is totally brill.
Definitely read her blog post from today…(Aw hell, read them all, she is twelve times the writer I am.) Anyway, in her latest post, she mentions how her husband gave her a “look” when she said something to him that he found slightly shocking. Hey, hey! I get that look a lot!
Let’s make a case study of that. (Puts on hot school teacher reader glasses.) It varies, the look. If the lips curl on one side, Thor is a touch disgusted by what I say. There may be an occasional eye squint when he is thinking I am exaggerating the truth. Which I do a lot. The eyebrows may jump up at a rapid pace when there might be a sexual overtone. It’s important to add that his eyebrows are up a great deal of the time.
So I thought, in honor of Momastary’s brilliant blogging and Thor’s distaste of most everything I do or say, I have decided to name a few looks I get from my husband Thor. Note: These are LOOKS. He hardly ever SAYS anything to me that is negative. He is the nicest of men. I DRIVE him to internalize and contort his face. It is really important to point out that Thor is the sweetest, most forgiving and kindest man I have ever met; not to mention the best father. I just absolutely cannot blame him for thinking he married down. Most of the time, I am a ridiculous wife.
I don’t have pictures, because (1) I can’t find my camera (2) my phone is dead and I can’t find the charger and (3)he would absolutely catch on if I started taking pictures of him reacting to everything I do. Your land of imagination is a special place! Use it!
First I will tell you what I said or did, then I will name the special Thor look. Off to the races:
- I tell him I went $365 over budget at The Target = The “have-fun-taking-a-shower-in-melted-snow-because-now-the-water-is-going-to-get-shut-off” look
- I can’t find my keys for the 11th time today and I am shedding actual tears because of it=The “you-are-holding-them-in-your-hand-dufus” look
- I come home from a gig late night with false eyelashes, slutty makeup and one shoe with a broken heel= the “wanna-do-it?” look
- He comes home from work in a bad mood and I have neighbors over, we are having a blast, some wine, kids are everywhere, no homework has been done, no birthday party thank-yous have been written, no dinner has been started and every single remaining Christmas present has been opened and is sitting in a pile in the living room floor and someone spilled something on the rug that he hasn’t noticed yet, but now he knows about it after reading this blog=The “you-just-really-suck-as-a-mother-and-spouse‘ look. (It’s important to note that this look is followed by my “NON-look” because I refuse to look at him at all for the rest of the night. This is because I am on strike for him making me feel guilty. I will set up shop to sleep on the couch, but it’s really uncomfortable, so I wake up at 1:45am with a crick in my neck and a Cheetos stuck in my hair. I peek in the mirror and give myself a look called, “you-freakin’ idiot” and I slink up into bed. It’s called projection, people.)
- And finally, the ever alluring, I wrote this blog and published it so everyone we know can read it = The ‘you-are-dead-to-me-and-lawyer-up” look. (I will be expecting this look to walk in the door today around 4:45pm.)
Special mention looks worth adding are stares like “how-many-old-boyfriends-did-you-HAVE?”, “that’s-not-what-the-screwdriver-is-for”, “where-in-the-hell-is-my-brush-again”, “my-mother-was-right” and one of my personal favorites, the “there-is-something-really-really-wrong-with-you-please-get-help.”
One of these days, I am going to haul ass and give the look back.
Just kidding. Cause for every look that I get, I have given him 500. There is no doubt that I wear the bitch in the family. I love Thor. Hope he loves me back.