…don’t really work.
At least that is what I was thinking when all the other moms were talking to me this morning at the tech rehearsal for Cracker’s holiday dance show tonight. They pretended not to notice that I looked like a washed-out 60 year old hooker on a 4 day bender. I found that rather gallant of them. Especially because I think the falsies were a little crooked. I still had some of my makeup on from last night. I am just glad they actually stayed on my eyes. Once, I woke up with one of them stuck to my cheek. At first I thought it was my old cat Emma licking me on the face, but then I realized I didn’t have a cat anymore. *Blink*Blink*
I had a TON of makeup on last night for my show. We ended up staying at my moms after a last minute detour on the way home from Cabaret Club to the Redhead Piano bar. That place is aces. So it was a late, late night, I mean morning. We just crashed when we got home, knowing we would have to wake up in 4 hours to head back home for the rehearsal. I usually take everything off and wash my face, etc, but sometimes, I am just too drunk. There, I said it. Just kidding, sometimes I’m too tired. Sometimes, I just don’t care. Sometimes, I rip those falsies off after a gig and leave them on the kitchen counter. I disgust even myself.
But let me ask you, where does the makeup GO? I think I heard that it gets absorbed in the skin. Ew! Is that true? I mean, if that’s true, don’t you think we have to be more careful about what it’s made of and what we are actualy putting in our bodies? (This, coming from the woman who just put an Egg McMuffin, of which she is allergic to, in her body. Have you SEEN the FB viral McDonald’s chicken video? I shutter.) I am thinking that if you are going to be putting makeup on your face that is going to eventually oooozzzeee into your pores, you might at well make it fun. Aha! Let’s start a new makeup line! Like pomegranate-infused vodka foundation or Skinny Girl Cosmo eyeshadow.
I think I have also heard somewhere that some crazy party renegades actually put vodka in their eyes to get a buzz. Whoa, dude. That’s extreme. I like my cocktail on the rocks with a swizzle stick and not mixed with my falsies and a touch of mascara.
Hey, it just occurred to me. You do know that when I say falsies, I mean fake eyelashes and not boobs, right? I did not go to Crackers dance rehearsal this morning with fake boobies on my eyes. Just wanted to make sure you got that.
So, I was saying that I had all this makeup on for my show that I did last night. The show that we did for my husband. And 4 family members. And one guy who looked at his watch and mumbled every 16 seconds. Did I mention this? Oh, you guys, this weekend at the Cabaret Club. Rock bottom, ya’ll. Really strange. Really surreal. Really humbling, annoying and eye-opening. Did I mention expensive? I think the cherry on top was having to pay $750 out of my own pocket to cancel one night and do the show for my mom the next night. That’s ok. It was just the entire Santa money for my kids this year. Hey, maybe Alpha, Bambi and Cracker would be okay to find under the tree Cabaret Club cocktail napkins, a semi-opened mint from the bottom of my purse and olives on a toothpick. Cause that’s all I got left. We will figure something out,we always do. I married my hero and together we will save the day. Or rob a bank. Ironically next week I will be doing the same show for hundreds of people who will love the hell out of it. I don’t know. Life is a total goof job.
Whatever. You know, I needed this. It was like a really expensive wake-up call. I really think that I am ready to move on from performing and concentrate more on the things I love…my family, my friends, my home, teaching, cleaning my pantry, not being a cripple…really put focus on the important things in life. Like the most precious moments: watching Cracker tonight as she tap, tap, taps like a beautiful dancing happy smiling penguin right into my heart. That right there, folks, is what it’s all about.
Tap, tap, tap…Tap, tap, tap…Tap, tap, tap…