Ouch.

Pain is dark.

It’s quiet and lonely and heavy and it throbs.  It sure can take your breath away. It’s a hard thing to explain to somebody even when they are desperately trying to understand how much it hurts. There is not a lot of sound here.  I can hear the ceiling fan and a random giggle from downstairs that feels good and also a little sad. Even now, I am lying on my side and I’m staring at a picture of my kids, trying to cope with every joint in my body hurting.  I want to scream the F bomb.

Here is my view:

There are some interesting things in this picture..Thor’s unmade side of the bed, Cracker’s lost boot: the reason she had a 34 minute before-school tantrum on Friday morning…Whoop, dere it is!  Found it, you little brat. (That’s OK, mommy loves you.)

I know you want to know about the camera. (Insert 70’s porn music here). TOO BAD!!! No kinky shenanigans.  Just my pals trying to bring music to ME while in confinement…we made a little music video. If you have an extra 14 minutes and 36 seconds just lying around, check it out.  It’s a sweet examination into the compassionate world of friends who will do anything to make you feel better.  But wear your low expectations hat because I was trying to sing sick in bed with a vacuum attached to my belly.  Vacuum belly!!! It’s mission? To suck out Ghostbusters slime grossness out of my wound.   That Vac was a constant companion….I called it “my little friend.” But you have to say it out loud with the Tony Montana Scarface accent. You try it.  Say it:”my little friend.”  Say it again.  “My little friend.” So fun, huh?  That vac went everywhere with me.  It was like carrying around the grossest purse in the world.  But I couldn’t go anywhere for long because of it.  I could only run around in social circles and with gangs that had a lot of outlets handy…here’s the video!

The Sick Sessions with Gritman&Moran
But seriously.  Go back to the above photo and look at that picture of my kids, taken on our favorite beach in Naples.  Omg.  It’s precious to me and I’ll never forget that moment. That picture in itself is an anti-inflammatory for the soul; it’s OxyContin for my heart; it’s a Kleenex, stopping the trail of my tears. I have been staring at it in pain for a over a month. It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten….a beautiful soul had it blown up for me.  Thank you, my sweet, red-headed friend. 

At this point, I am not really feeling any pain from the surgery. My wound is kind of closing up and I am just weak from being laid up so long. I was able to scrounge my way through a couple of gigs and run a few errands but now I’m back in bed jail. And it’s not even really from the earlier craziness.  It’s due to a medical condition I have had for about 6 years.  Most of the time you would never even know I have it.  It’s called Rheumatoid Disease aka Rheumatoid Arthritis aka RA aka Evil Bitch From Hell. They changed the name from RA to add the word “disease” because it’s a nightmare of an auto-immune disorder. And frankly, the RA powers that be were probably sick of people not understanding it.  Like every time they mentioned that they had rheumatoid arthritis to the person talking to them, the other person would inevitably start complaining about how their knuckles hurt when it rains. Not the same thing. Weather has nothing to do with this.  Here is what it is, deftly illustrated by a select chosen lot of drunk people dancing:

Immune system broken….like going all crazy on itself…like THIS…but instead of flouncy dancing at your joints, it’s punching them…like THIS. Humira, a miracle drug that I shoot in my thigh every week, calms my immune system down so it’s like THIS. You get the idea. Dance like no one’s watching.  (But we are.). (And we’re laughing.)

Th whole mess happened because sometimes when I’m on the drug, my immune system can’t fight anything. So if I get, let’s say a random chest cold or a stupid little bug bite, unlike most people, my body can’t fight it. It’s one of the more rare side effects of the drug, like I think it’s written near the bottom of side effects on the warning label, listed under “spontaneous eyeball bleeding.” It rarely happens, but this is how lucky I am! Weeeeee!!!

The hospital stories are coming next. But I’m grossed out.  I am a person who does not handle anything yucky well at all.  For instance, If you are walking with me on the street and you lean over and you spit, I will throw up.  When I clean a toilet, I do it while I am dry-heaving.  If you have an eye-related incident, you’re going to have to go to somebody else with it. And when my kids spurted any blood throughout their childhoods, I have been known to completely run the other way. There is also a very large unrelated issue with clowns.  So you can imagine how traumatizing it was for me to be in the hospital with a gaping, staph-infected hole in my stomach.  I was never able to even look at it.  But everyone else in the free world sure did!  And I was really good at reading everyone’s face when they were looking at it so I could tell how bad it really was.  I’m nothing if not painfully observant. My husband Thor tried to take pictures of it and I groggily threatened divorce.  A very good friend came to visit me and I was happy to see him until he (1) tried to plan with another visiting friend on how they could get their hands on my morphine and (2)tried to take a picture of my wound and start a public fan Facebook page. I know. Funny but awful.  

So I think tomorrow I will start writing about all those gross things but I just can’t bear to do it today. 

And here we are. I’m banned from Humira for another month and everything hurts. EV-ER-EE-THING. I’m sorry, but I’m whiny.  I have a whole in my stomach the size of the Grand Canyon, medical professionals keep sticking their fingers in it, my family has been through hell, my dream job fired me, I have missed countless gigs so I’m broke as hell and I have sunk so low trying to entertain myself, that I am currently binge-watching The Nanny. Do NOT tell anyone that.

But this is not how I’m going to play this. A pity party is not how I’m going to choose to handle this.  It’s beneath me.  It’s going to go down exactly like this:

I have a great bed. Cable has not been shut off yet. Look at my kids, please. They’re adorbs. My husband Alpha, the best man in the world, would definitely be Knighted by the Queen if we lived in Great Britain. My parents are incredible; all of them. I have this ridiculously fantastic nurse who came to my house and she healed me inside and out and she was so nice, she didn’t even try to tie wood chunks on my ankles and break them so I couldn’t run away. (Great movie) Voice text on my iPad is the BOMB. I have so many incredible friends who are so loving and giving, I could spaz out with love for them. And I get to sing, sing, sing with my homies and I get to sing, sing, sing for people that I love. I have a house, I drive the Blueberry and I live in the best town in the land.  Soon my gaping wound will be gone, “my little friend” The Vac will be returned, cleaned, sanitized and sent off to suck Ghostbusters slime out of some other poor bastard. I will be back on Humira and no one will know that I even have this stupid disease. I will get a new job, have a kick ass summer on Bangs Lake and watch a buttload of Alpha playing lacrosse.  And most importantly, I will always have the memories of the time when I desperately needed a village and the village came running. 

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It Takes An Open Wound…

…to get a girl back to blog land.

I have recently been through a life-threatening medical trauma.  But we will get to that in my next installation because I am a big fan of suspense. At my lowest moment, when I didn’t think I could take any more insanity, I stared up at the hospital ceiling and thought, “Jesus.  I need to blog this shit.”

Conveniently enough, that day my family visited me and brought me a bag of get-well goodies.  My favorite things were the roll of Rolos and an adult coloring book.  It sounds kind of pornographic, but it’s not.  It’s not pages filled with nasty bits, if thats what you had in mind.  Yucky on you.  They are filled with grown up and pretty and hard-to-stay-in-the-lines pictures.  I’ve seen these coloring books on The Facebook but I didn’t fully understand the hype.  Omg.  Best invention ever.  So calming…so calming…so calming…

The Wound Journal.


It might have been the continuous IV Morphine and Norco cocktail, but I decided that I needed to color the shit out of this thing and use it as a diary to write the greatest non-fictional novel ever known to man, entitled “The Wound Chronicles”.
Then I realized that it was just too soon. Way too soon to laugh about any of it.  I kept on trying to start talking about it, but much like me not being able to actually LOOK at the wound, I still couldn’t even really tell anybody much about it.  Until yesterday, when I went on an adventure to visit my infectious disease doctor – yes, I have one of those.  Don’t be jelly. 

As I was sitting in the waiting room and I was trying not to touch ANYTHING (seriously, I think I left my arms above the armrests for a full 47 minutes.)  I was side-staring at people, germ profiling them and worrying about how they were going to spread their tse-tse flu or Zika virus tainted cells into my healing wound.  I was being a germist form of a rascist and I was very ashamed.  And then I was worried that they might be grossed out by me, so I started to have a full-blown panic attack.  I began quiet Lamaze breathing.  That made me look weirder.  I totally started upper lip face-sweating.  WHY WAS THE COMPLIMENTARY TV OFF?  This was a torture chamber.  They had to know that an episode of “House Hunter: International” would have calmed all of us freaks down.   I was a shell of a woman.  They finally called my name and I hobbled faster than a turtle to get away from everyone. I am quite sure they were equally glad to get rid of the sweaty, strange woman puffing her breath and leering at all of them with her arms up in the air.

The nurse made me lie down and she removed my dressing.  She didn’t even put anything over it. Exposed naked wound in room 4!  She left me and the gaping hole and all of the whole mess just out there, exposed for the world to see and ripe for a brand new strain of MRSA.  I had to wait way too long for the doctor in that vulnerable state.  As every minute passed, I realized that now my wound was on display to the open air and to the WHOLE PLANET and anyone even walking by the window. I was distraught that I left my phone in my purse so I couldn’t be distracted from the crazed images of invisible flying death germs stealthily dive-bombing directly into my healing cavity.  At this point, I was absolutely sure that I was going to get the conga flu in the hole or rickets or polio and I really, really hoped that it wasn’t going to turn black.  I started to hum the theme to the movie “Tootsie” for absolutely no other reason than that I was coming completely unhinged.

There it was.  That was the Oprah “aha” moment.  It was while I humming “somethings telling me it might be you” that I laughed very loudly at myself and my mental instability and I realized…yep.  It’s time.  It’s time to share the epic story of the wound.

For now, I have to wrap this up because I’m so tired.  I still get weak.  Doing nothing throws me into nappy time.  It’s so totally stupid.  Typing this has put me into a near coma and I’m already practically lying down.  But I look forward to going back to my notes and sharing some crazy wound crap with anyone who came stomach it enough to read it.  My goal is to post one a day but I have no follow-through.  See you tomorrow?  Or in 2019.  My last post on here was from 2012.  I wish me the best of luck. 

The Moran Elf Project 2012: Watch it, Bucko.

 The little rat bastard is BACK.  Billy Bob Joe…Merry Christmas; come trash my house.

Let’s face it.  He is creepy, snarky and get’s into all my shit.  But he is very loved, intensely anticipated and he is filled with the stuff that makes Moran little-people-memories. So let’s see what the little North pole Juvie has in store for my clan.  Bring it, Elf!

Welcome, Trouble.

Dec 1: Welcome, Trouble.

Those pretzels were for lunches.  Not a good start.  I may send him out to the Jewel to get new snacks ’cause we are not made of money around here, Elf.  Wasteful troll.

Dec 2: State is not for Suckers.  Go Lulu.

Dec 2: State is not for Suckers. Go Lulu.

I was SO pissed off he punched holes in the Cuties with little toothpicks.  Those things are pricey.  I may juice HIM.

Thanks, Billy Bob Joe, for the Mammories.

Thanks, Billy Bob Joe, for the Mammories.

I will make him finish that whole glass.  And if he comes back from his little “check-in visit” from the North Pole tonight and that Oberweiss is not fully consumed, then it will still be waiting for him to finish in the morning.  And the day after that.  And the day after THAT.

Cause Mommy Dearest doesn’t screw around.

pirate1 pirate2 pirate3

Bitch Pirate Barbie strikes again.

apples1I think someone is officially DTF.

fishies

Here fishy, fishy, fishy…..

copy

elfbutt

Too much egg nog at the office party, ya little brat?

jar

Jar-head, busted.

repel 3 repel1 repel2

“Creepy Elf boyfriend, I am falling and I can’t get up!”

“I’LL SAVE YOU!”

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I’m Fine, I’m Fine, No Really, I’m Fine.

This is exciting.  I am an empty day nester!  I cried on and off for the first 2 days and now…I am good.  Cracker, Bambi and Alpha are all nestled into their classrooms and I can rest easy.  Cause like I literally have to rest.  I went to my rheumy yeterday and he actually diagnosed me with exhaustion.  It’s making me twitch.  Full truth, people.  It’s made my RA bad and now my muscles have been effected.  And I have had an eye twitch for 2 weeks.  I am NOT winking at you.  It didn’t help that after singing last night, I couldn’t get to sleep until 2am.  I have a million projects and things to do…a house to scrub…but for today, I need to get rid of this twitch.

And so, for those close friends and family that have been worried about me, I am fine.  I am going to go rest.  But not before I share with you todays Heatherevent:

This all started with my dear friend “Sid”.  I call her that because she has undiagnosed OCD.  I am pretty sure I came up with that name after too much Pinot Grigio, while she was scrubbing my floor on her hands and knees.  She is incredibly thoughtful and she picked up some cream for me at the store the other day when I was feeling ill.  (BTW – “Sid” started this whole nickname thing with calling me “Rah”, making fun of my awful auto-immune crippling disease know as Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Love that bitch because laughter is the best med I take.)  I had this really bad, crazy week where I found myself not being able to have a freaking cup of coffee.  I was starting to get a little obsessed with the absence of it.  And I only drink decaf, which makes the whole scenario a lot more embarrassing.

 First, I was out of coffee, then I was out of cream, then I tried skim and it tasted like poop, then I thought I would drive to Starbucks then I was too sick to drive to Starbucks.  Then my sweet dear friend “Volly” from next door came over and bought me some coffee.  Then I was still out of cream so it just sat there. Then “Sid” eventually came over at some point and brought me 2 small creams, instructing me to put one in the freezer and pull it out the day before you need it.  Her mom always did that, she said and I can verify that her mom knows everything.

HELLO “Sid”, who do you think you are dealing with?  It’s “Rah”.  Like I would ever be organized to plan ahead.

Today, I made a gorgeous pot of coffee and I couldn’t WAIT to enjoy some quiet time on my stoop after the bus left…and I go into the kitchen make THE perfect cup of coffee and I am freaking out of cream.

Now, I know what I am going to do next.  And it’s going to suck because it’s not going to work out well for me at all.   But I do it anyway, because I lie to myself that I am an optimist.  I go into the freezer and I pull out the frozen cream.   Frozen, rock hard, frozen, frozen.  I mean like, take-a-day-to-thaw-a-turkey-frozen.  I dropped it on the counter THUNK and stared at it for a minute or two.  I now have time for this, you know.  I decided  to go get a teeeeeennnyyy weeeeeennny little kid’s knife.  I shoved that little knife in there and I scraped and scraped little tiny shards of frozen cream into my coffee cup.  Plop.  Plop. Plop.  Stir it up….and voila!  Outcome?

I’m going back to bed.

 

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I have misplaced my ability to read…

…it must be around somewhere….I used to be able to read all the time…let’s see….let me get my glasses…oops, don’t know where they are either…probably on my head….nope…darn it all to heck…that’s really a shame because I FINALLY got a copy of the middlemarch book , but upon opening it, I realize it’s typeset is sized for readers the size of…

THUMBELINA

The cover is super pretty, ya’ll….looky….

I finally grabbed a spot on the couch…it was really quiet a beautiful breeze blowing in..kid were upstairs and I had about 20 minutes to spare before getting ready for a fun Friday night out…and I stared at the cover for about 5 minutes.  I kind of got lost in it, really.   I ceremoniously adjusted my head on the couch pillow and started to read the first page.

Miss Brooke had that kind of beauty which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress.”   Kick-ass first line.  This is going to be good.

Then a wet naked Barbie flew over me on the couch.  Oral bomb noises quickly followed,  and ended with a biff-to-the-forehead noise and an “OUCH-UH!!!”  (That’s a new thing that the girls are doing…adding “uh” to the ends of words.  That’s DUMB-UH, WHAT-UH,  COME ON-UH.   WTF is that?  Look, there is even a FB page for it HERE)

 Then Bambi yelled at Cracker for whipping it at her and they had an apology fight.  “You apologize, no YOU apologize.” Someone please fucking apologize because I have read the first line 5 times.  Then the phone rang.  Then I really tried hard to concentrate and while I was reading the first paragraph, I tried really, super hard to concentrate but then I thought about if I have time to take a shower before we go over to a friends and did Cracker leave her Sonic shake in the car because I will forget about it for a couple of days until it smells and OW!!! I  suddenly got one of those shooting boob pains, what the hell IS that when that happens cause I don’t die from it when it happens but it’s in my boob and I think I need to Google that…READ READ READ, concentrate….I came across words like “frippery” and I really wish I could be reading this on my Kindle so I could hit the word and the definition pops up.  I suddenly realized I am going to need a pocket dictionary.  Hey, look.  I am no chump.  I am no idiot.  I was an English Lit. minor in one of my many colleges I attended.  I done read good.   But it’s been awhile and I have spent the last 12 years reading Highlights Magazines, Mattel Toy Assembly instructions and “Everybody Poops”.  (Great read BTW, highly recommend.)

I got down to about a third of the page and I started to schvitz a little bit.  I flipped back to the end of the book .  746 pages.  That’s a lot less than Volly, my reading project partner.  That’s maybe because my font size is -1pt.  

“The pride of being ladies has something to do with it…”  What is that smell?  What IS that?  Is that a rotten orange?  Shit, I forgot to drop off dress at the dry cleaner and I can do it tomorrow….no I can’t do it tomorrow, what is tomorrow, what do I have tomorrow, OMG why can’t I remember what tomorrow i-FOOTBALL scrimmage, right, then drive Papa and Nana to airport and

Shit…ok….“The pride of being ladies has something to do with it…The Brooke connections, although not slightl-“

I was staring at the words.  I was starting at each individual word, trying to process it.  It actually made me feel like I was going a little bit insane.    I heard a fly and thought of the bad meal we had a a local place this weekend because we ate outside and there were flies everyone and I thought about how they poop on everything and how everyone always freaks out and really, how bad could fly poop be, I mean it’s so small that it’s almost as small as the font size in my book.

Then I really start to ride the procrastination train and I start reading the quotes on the back.  Who does that but people who are procrastinating?  Or bored people pooping on the potty?  Then I read the biggest quote on the back.  I quite literally made me jump up, shove a Bath and Body Works 20% coupon in the book as a marker and run into the office to quit reading forever.

“One of the few English books for grown-ups.”  – Virginia Wolff

I am too busy to read now.  I have to go get that shake out of the car, find the source of the kitchen smell and starting drinking heavily.  Then, when I stumble wasted into bed later tonight and read the first page of my book 12 times, I will at least have a very good excuse.

(I have NEVER even blogged the word “poop” before and I think I used it today about 10 times.  See what a bad influence reading can be to a person?)

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Book #1. Purchase Fail.

For those of you DROOLING and KEENING and WAILING in anticipation for the start of my “1oo Most influential Books Evah” reading/blog project:

Houston, we can’t obtain the first book.  Nice start, idiot.

I ordered “MiddleMarch.”  I really did.  Last Monday from Amazon.com…I promise you, I am not bullshitting.  I waited and I waited and I waited…

-meanwhile-

Volly got her copy from the library sometime around Tuesday or Wednesday, which I should have done, but I owe them money.  (TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT.)

Volly informed me that the book has 801 pages.  SSSHHHWWWWHHHAAAAAAAAAA??????

Innocent enough from the front.

Side View…DOH.

Yesterday, while I was drunk at the Cubbie game, I received this email on my phone from Amazon:

Due to a lack of availability, we will not be able to obtain the following item(s) from your order:

  George Eliot “Middlemarch (Collins Classics)”

We’ve canceled the item(s) and apologize for the inconvenience. If you see a charge for the canceled item, we will refund you within 1-2 business days.”

Suckage.

Then I get a text from Volly and she says, “I finished the book!  Loved it!  (801 freaking pages and she started like 2 days ago.)  Can’t wait for you to read it!  No pressure!  LOL

NO pressure? Shit, man, I still need to GET the friggin’ book.   She’s a rockstar.  That is all.

Oh Man…now I am going to have to push through my hangover and head over to the library with my head down and my checkbook open.

Library Fine Shame.

Next time you hear from me, sometime in Spring or summer of 2013, I will have my first damn book report.  Peace out, bitches.

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Heatherevent: A Definition.

 Heatherevent [spelled phonetically, in case you are truly the biggest idiot on the planet: HEH-THER-EE-VENT]: an annoying and stupid occurrence or event that happens to me on a daily basis.

The Goofball in Question.

Here are some past Heatherevent posts from Facebook.  Stupid random shit happens to me.  It’s a wonder that I make it through the day.

 “Today’s Heathervent: I just walked into the laundry room to change out the clothes and an entire industrial strength ginormous jug of detergent was thrown off the washer during the rinse cycle, shattering the top and emptying the entire contents of new bottle onto whole floor of room. Cocktail, please.”

Could Have Been Worse.

“Heathervent of the day: not only were [Thor] and I stupid enough to be the only people to go out to movie and dinner in a snowstorm last night for my birthday; I insisted on wearing high heeled-boots.  Eventually, I slipped two times coming into house and busted finger. Nice.”

Disclaimer. This is not me. I am totally hotter.

“Medieval Heatherevent: what NOT to do when you have a massive horse allergy – forget to move inhaler to new purse and then completely have huge asthma attack in enclosed space with fog and horses running around. Otherwise you may end up outside missing the whole show with about six really cute fireman and paramedics giving you a neb treatment in the parking lot. *sigh*”

“Beach Heatherevent: Great day at the beach with my cousin [Apricot] and friend [Volly].  See that line from the cooler??? You know how hard is is to drag a cooler with wheels on sand? [Alpha] was pulling it and getting a workout so I tried to help him pull. He grabbed a chair I was carrying off of my arm and when it whipped around, he whacked me right on my face…then two seconds later, [Apricot] bent down to help me and whacked me right across the head. True live stooges action. In other news, [Apricot] just took a day full of gorgeous beach pictures with no memory card. Livin’ la vida loca, bitches!”

Image

“The Heatherevent of the day already happened and it’s a doozy. This was back when the guys and I were performing in NYC.   You know the hair iron that TSA stole at the Dullas airport and I practically launched a nationwide Facebook smear campaign because of the erroneous theft? [PianoMan] and [BassMan], remember how I berated every poor employee we ran into at the airport, warning them to not steal ANOTHER $200 hair iron from me? [Nana Toad], remember when I cried and said that nice guys finished last and called the hotel 100 times to check if they found it? Well, looky looky, check out cookie: I just found it. In the side pocket of the garment bag that I just took to NY. It was sitting in there for 7 months. I suck.”

THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!

“Coffee Heatherevent: I spilled my Starbucks DOWN the front of my dress walking into work tonight. TWICE. Like, right down through the boob canal. I smell like a grande decaf americano. And roses, thanktoyouverymuch. But I don’t think you should buy below above shirt for $85. (REEDONKULOUS) Instead, I will happily sell you my cute baby doll dress for $8.50.   People are suckers. “

Sadly, there are a million more Heatherevents occurring by the second.  Already this morning, [Thor] had to wake me up because I had both my phone charger and ear phones wrapped around my neck like a fetus.  Weeeeee!

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New Blog Project. No Runway Needed.

I have blog ADD.

Frankly, I have everything ADD. But that’s besides the stupid point that I am trying to make.

I forget that I have these blogs and how much fun they are to write them.

My dear friend/next door neighbor…I will call Volley (rhymes with Holly) and I, whilst chatting each other up in the backyard over some vino, have make the decision to read all the books on a best seller list.

Stupid drunk bitches.

This is the list we have chosen

It’s a list that the Brits put together, so it’s bound to be tight-assed, but thorough and admittedly correct. God Save the Queen.

They list the books starting at 100 and go down, but we are rebel motherf&*%#rs, so we are going to start at the bottom with number one.

A delightful English novel, written by that Vickie-torian cross-dressing, composer humping, bad ass chick George Eliot. Our goal is to read every novel on the list. With some books on the list, including Ulysses and Dostoyevsky, our goal is to make it at least one-third through the book without wanting to burn it, use it as a weapon or pee on it.

We are very busy people. I myself have somewhere along the lines of 3 to 7 jobs. The first step is to actually get the book. I owe the library too much money because we lost about two movies and a copy of Clifford the Big Red Dog, so I guess I will have to buy it.

Why do I continually drink myself into these situations?

CHALLENGE: Me? I feel the need to blog every breath I take, so I will whore myself out while reading these books, bloggidy-blog style, and post my own Heatherland reviews.

Goal? Start reading by the weekend. (My sub-goal is to actually finish this goal, because if there is one thing I am famous for, it’s my no-follow-through.)

Too bad the kids lost the kindle. Bambi blames Cracker, Cracker blames the “ghost” that the neighbor kid keeps leaving over here after playdates and Alpha is innocent, as usual. The point is, the freaking thing is missing. And it even had the 50 Shades series on it. Now, THAT is some fine literature, no one ever said in the whole world.

Wish me happy reading!

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The Man I Love Has A Thousand Looks.

Thor is severely hotter than this man.

I was inspired today by a new blog a friend turned me onto…called Momastary…check her out, she is totally brill.

Definitely read her blog post from today…(Aw hell, read them all, she is twelve times the writer I am.)  Anyway, in her latest post, she mentions how her husband gave her a “look”  when she said something to him that he found slightly shocking.  Hey, hey!  I get that look a lot!

Let’s make a case study of that.  (Puts on hot school teacher reader glasses.)  It varies, the look.  If the lips curl on one side, Thor is a touch disgusted by what I say.   There may be an occasional eye squint when he is thinking I am exaggerating the truth.  Which I do a lot.  The eyebrows may jump up at a rapid pace when there might be a sexual overtone.  It’s important to add that his eyebrows are up a great deal of the time.

So I thought, in honor of Momastary’s brilliant blogging and Thor’s distaste of most everything I do or say, I have decided to name a few looks I get from my husband Thor.  Note:  These are LOOKS.  He hardly ever SAYS anything to me that is negative.  He is the nicest of men.  I DRIVE him to internalize and contort his face.  It is really important to point out that Thor is the sweetest, most forgiving and kindest man I have ever met; not to mention the best father.  I just absolutely cannot blame him for thinking he married down.  Most of the time, I am a ridiculous wife.

I don’t have pictures, because (1) I can’t find my camera (2) my phone is dead and I can’t find the charger and (3)he would absolutely catch on if I started taking pictures of him reacting to everything I do.  Your land of imagination is a special place! Use it!

First I will tell you what I said or did, then I will name the special Thor look.  Off to the races:

  • I tell him I went $365 over budget at The Target = The “have-fun-taking-a-shower-in-melted-snow-because-now-the-water-is-going-to-get-shut-off” look
  • I can’t find my keys for the 11th time today and I am shedding actual tears because of it=The “you-are-holding-them-in-your-hand-dufus” look
  • I come home from a gig late night with false eyelashes, slutty makeup and one shoe with a broken heel= the “wanna-do-it?” look
  • He comes home from work in a bad mood and I have neighbors over, we are having a blast, some wine, kids are everywhere, no homework has been done, no birthday party thank-yous have been written, no dinner has been started and every single remaining Christmas present has been opened and is sitting in a pile in the living room floor and someone spilled something on the rug that he hasn’t noticed yet, but now he knows  about it after reading this blog=The “you-just-really-suck-as-a-mother-and-spouse‘ look.  (It’s important to note that this look is followed by my “NON-look” because I refuse to look at him at all for the rest of the night.  This is because I am on strike for him making me feel guilty.  I will set up shop to sleep on the couch, but it’s really uncomfortable, so I wake up at 1:45am with a crick in my neck and a Cheetos stuck in my hair.   I peek in the mirror and give myself a look called, “you-freakin’ idiot” and I slink up into bed.   It’s called projection, people.)
  • And finally, the ever alluring, I wrote this blog and published it so everyone we know can read it = The you-are-dead-to-me-and-lawyer-up” look.  (I will be expecting this look to walk in the door today around 4:45pm.)

Special mention looks worth adding are stares like “how-many-old-boyfriends-did-you-HAVE?”, “that’s-not-what-the-screwdriver-is-for”, “where-in-the-hell-is-my-brush-again”, “my-mother-was-right” and one of my personal favorites, the “there-is-something-really-really-wrong-with-you-please-get-help.”

One of these days, I am going to haul ass and give the look back.

Watch it, bucko.

Just kidding.  Cause for every look that I get, I have given him 500.  There is no doubt that I wear the bitch in the family.  I love Thor.  Hope he loves me back.

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One-Armed Wrapping Doesn’t Have To Be Lonely…

I apologize the for low quality of this photo. Perhaps you will forgive me, since I only have ONE WORKING ARM.

I blame Love’s frozen yogurt.  You chilly,swirly bastard.

I was with Cracker yesterday, just leaving an appointment and I saw a sign that had this retro international symbol of awesomeness…

"Open to the public!"

I totally slammed on the breaks and did a U-ey…man, I used to love that stuff!  Where has it been??? The whole Frozen Yogurt Movement!!  It used to be all over the place…wasn’t it?  Am I crazy?  I mean, I think the last time I had one, I was wearing a Bosom Buddies t-shirt.  I kept on telling Cracker it was ice cream, hoping that it wasn’t going to taste like crap.

It was inside of a workout facility for seniors and they were trying to promote the “healthy” vibe in there.   When we walked out, some old lady actually asked Cracker if she just finished working out.  Cracker giggled adorably and said “no”.  And the lady said, in all seriousness, “then you don’t deserve to have that”.  I seriously, seriously almost bitch-slapped her.  Seriously.

So, you remember, you can twist that all up together…two flavors…remember that????  So I got a french vanilla, just for nostalgia-sake, and some sugar free/fat free pepermint.  Holiday party in.my.tummy, ya’ll!

HELLO, SELF, you idiot.  I am allergic to anything NOT PURE.  There is nothing that is pure in a sugar free/fat free yogurt.  Like, what IS IT?  And it kinda tasted like peppermint baby vomit.  But I ate it in defiance.  The whole freaking thing.  I could hear Cracker in the back seat, going “ew” a couple of times, but I think she ate it in defiance, too.  In defiance of what, I am not certain, but has a tenancy to run a little surly.

It took about 30 minutes before I started to feel “THE TWINGE” in my left shoulder.  It can be any joint.  My immune system likes to change it up and leave me guessing.  “THE TWINGE” is quickly followed by the voice in my head saying “Uh oh.  ‘THE TWINGE.’  I will be virtually lame within an hour.”  By the time we finished errands and I am rushing home to teach a lesson, I could barely steer.  On goes the sling.  I really need to bling that thing up.

After dinner, I realize that I have to get my nieces’ gifts in the mail, wrapped, so they can be delivered in time for Christmas.  I annually SUCK at all things having anything to do with Christmas deadlines, but  “As God is my witness…not this year!” she says, holding up a radish to the skies…

Look, she only has one arm, too.

Now, I had my arm in a sling, not because it’s frozen, but because if I move it a cillimeter of a millimeter of an eigth of an inch, shooting daggers of pain whip up my arm, through my shoulder and stab my brain.  So, I just try not to move it.

Thor sweetly offered to help, but he was busy helping Alpha finish the project at the last minute that he had TWO WEEKS TO DO BUT DON’T GET ME STARTED.  Cracker was off somewhere having her Barbie’s kiss and hug ’cause that’s her newest thing and Bambi is running around the house like the quadruped Turkish tribe who walks on all fours.  We are strange, yo.

So I had to wrap all these presents.   Bambi eventually returned to Bipedalism and offered to help.  She actually got really excited and put on Christmas music.  She said, with kind of a maniacal and over-caffeinated look in her eyes, “This is great, you guys, I feel like an only child!!!”  *Sigh*  I love her.

And I was thinking while we were doing it, every crease, every fold, every piece of tape thrown on there and the bow, Lord of the RINGS, the bow…all of it was literally made very slowly, painfully and with a helluva lot of love.  And in the end, with all three of us together, Thor and I agreed on one thing:  a nice wrapping job, done well and with care, is definitely part of the present 😉

And I will NOT be accepting Love’s frozen yogurt gift certs this year, thankyouverymuch.

(And you can only imagine how long it took me to type up this post with only 4 fingers from my right hand.  Love, people; that’s love.)

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